Self-worth

Sometimes, academia makes you feel like a loser. The toxic academic culture makes you doubt your self-worthiness and the value of your intellectual contribution to society. I encountered several rejections last year concerning research grant applications, PhD scholarship applications, job applications and my first solo academic journal paper. There was so much negativity around me. I was mentally tired and ready to give up on my research career. This poem was written at the beginning of a long healing process. Know your self-worth.

I look at my inbox
Like a deminor
Ready for the damage control
Emails don’t excite me
These days
They disappoint me
I come prepared to be disappointed

I open the email
Like unwrapping a box
A bomb in it
Knowing it would explode in my face
Once opened
Anyway
Rebelliousness comes with price

I read the impersonal message
The standard response
My time, effort and resources
Not appreciated
Not even acknowledged
This time
My heart doesn’t even flinch
I came prepared

I look at my palm
Stains of paint from yesterday
It looks like art itself
I feel the power
Wielded in my palm
I see my self-worth
I smile to myself
Appreciative of life lessons
And go back to living